I decided that I wouldn't go back to school in the fall, especially since Kathy had graduated in June, and would just try to find a job. Kathy had graduated, gotten hired at a retail store as a manager trainee, and would be working days, so I went looking for daytime employment.Meanwhile, our weekends were spent looking for a new apartment. Since Kathy felt we could afford it on our combined income, we were looking for one in a more affluent neighborhood than we had been. I had almost no say in the matter since I wasn't working yet, and went along with her decisions. The whole time she kept telling me how wonderful it was going to be, us living together, having a new apartment, etc. I think she may have been trying to convince herself as much as me."... and then your wife seems to think you're part of the furniture, oh it's peculiar, she used to be so nice..."We found a nice apartment on the east side of town, north of the University, and, eventually, I was able to find a job waiting. Sometimes the difference between what I am and what I wish to be fadesto a background noise I can almost ignore. Today is not one of thosedays. Today, everywhere I look I'm stabbed by images of womanhood thatprovoke this desperate jealousy. It's a late summer Sunday, the towncentre bustling with shoppers and people out enjoying a stroll in thesunshine. I'm trapped by the window display for a ladies wear chainstore, intent on the latest collection of dresses I long for, but willnever wear. I stare at my watch, tap my foot and look impatient, asthough I am waiting for some fickle female inside to decide what shewants. I live alone though, I always have. I was too tied up inside tosettle down with a woman I would always have seen as a god.A group of teenage girls clutching plastic bags giggle their way out andenvy each one of them; their bad skin and poor make up, their plumpthighs and over-dyed hair, their unconscious feminine grace and beauty,their lives I will never know.I start.
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